Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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