I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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