I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
