your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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