GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
