Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
