i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
