Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
