Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
