We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
did i just pee glitter
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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