I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
