I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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