oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
