Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
