Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
