I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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