We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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