Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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