I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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