I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
