I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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