i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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