i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
