Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
