I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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