Jerry, you need to find god
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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