So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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