i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
