My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
