garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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