so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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