if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
