That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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