my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
