saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
