I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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