so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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