You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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