just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
