Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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