tell your sister to shave her snatch
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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