Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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