im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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