why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
