One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
