she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
