when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
