Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
