i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
