So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
