If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
