May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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